Ripped straight from the “Popular Now” section of bing.com, at approximately 3:50 p.m. on February 1, 2012.

The self-proclaimed ‘Ruler of the Cosmos’ Newt Gingrich revealed plans this morning for his campaign to rule the red planet.

‘Frozen water vestibules is proof that life exists on Mars and I aim to extinguish that life in order to establish a galactic presence that cannot be challenged!’

When asked about the feasibility of waging war on a planet 249, 169, 848.087 miles away, Gingrich only had one word in response.

‘Rockets.’

After a stunning admission that has rocked the deep-fried food community, Americans around the world are reeling after discovering that Paula Deen’s southern-style home cookin’ could lead to serious health risks, including diabetes, heart disease and a curious tendency to always flash a big, phony smile.

Alex Hughes, a 42-year old man and self-proclaimed “health food nut” was shocked to hear the news.

“I couldn’t believe it when I heard the news that Mrs. Deen’s food was possibly unhealthy,” Hughes stated. “Just yesterday for breakfast, I made her famous recipe for double-fried, chocolate-covered, down-home buttercakes topped with 3-cheese bacon mayonaise for me, my wife and my four-year old twins.

“We all felt so good after eating it that we slept for like five hours.  Tell me how that can be BAD for you!?”

They left her no choice, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have one. This turd stars Jason Bourne as a woman and Antonio Banderas who thinks he’s cut out for something other than Zorro. And of course Channing Tatum’s in there with his impressive career as a set of talking abs. Only guy in there worth his salt is Bill Paxton, even after Twister.

What would we hide to protect our family? Drug addiction, alcohol abuse, money problems, porn stash, government secrets, pizza rolls—-THIS MOVIE.

And c’mon, Dennis Quaid. Unless you’re making Dragonheart 3 with your far-superior brother Randy Quaid, nobodies coming out to hear you talk gruffly for 2 hours.

Damn right, Randy. That shitter was full.

After securing the Denver Broncos first playoff win in several years, quarterback and God enthusiast Tim Tebow exploded into a well-mannered and soft-spoken rant about the value of the new line of God-themed silicone wristbands, which are far superior to the “mongrel” rubber wristbands that once dominated the market.

“I just want to thank God for switching over to silicone wristbands, which are far superior to the rubber ones that weren’t fit for a Philistine,” Tebow said. “And I can use these to cook my egg whites in the morning.  They give my eggs a perfectly round shape and I can read the Lord’s inspiration while I’m blending up unleavened bread to go with it. The rubber one’s just melted and ruined my breakfast and God wasn’t too happy either.”

The cosmic entity known as Cthulhu revealed today the winners of this century’s ‘Most Vile Human Sacrifice Awards,’ continuing the long standing tradition of ancient god appeasement where, in exchange for our world’s most despicable examples of humanity, we get to live another 100 years.

Enjoy our progenitors of big oil, they’re fat and juicy for ya’. All praise Cthulhu! 

Mark your countdown calendars, Mayan devotees. January 12th is the first marker of the impending apocalypse when Rob Schneider takes center stage on the idiot box with a new series.

Way to go CBS. An ancient civilization smells this turd from 2000 years away and you still green light it. When Two and A Half Robs comes down the pipe, please consider the future of the human race.

“He just keeps using it,” says Frank Lynn, the man in question’s best friend. “And we’ve all told him it’s not funny.”

“Kevin didn’t know what it meant the first time he used it,” explains Robert Stevens, another friend. “And when we called him out, he said he was being clever.”

“What’s up, diphthongs?” says Kevin, joining the group.

Diphthong. Also known as a gliding vowel, a diphthong is an English language term that refers to two adjacent sounds occurring within the same syllable, for example the word eye.

“It’s funny because I’m using it as an insult. When it clearly isn’t. See?”

“Using it incorrectly doesn’t make it funny, it just makes you sound like a dip shit.”

Well said, Frank. Friends are honest. That’s how you know they’re your friends.